We all know people who are funny. We might even be quite skilled at humor ourselves. But we all have probably also experienced situations when someone attempted to use their humor and it fell flat – it was not funny at all and in fact may have even been embarrassing or hurtful. There is a reason for that. It’s called “overuse”.
For every competency in your “leadership toolbox” you can be skilled, unskilled or you can be overusing it. Overuse is much more common than you might think. We frequently overuse the things we are good at when we don’t have the right “tool” or skill to use for the situation.
So let’s look at humor. Almost everyone has some level of skill at humor, but when it’s overdone is has the opposite effect than was intended. It can be hurtful, embarrassing, and totally inappropriate for the situation. It can cause people to get fired, chastised by their boss or co-workers, cause personal embarrassment, undermine trust, and ruin both personal and professional relationships. We do it because we are lacking the right skill for the situation so we use what we know we’re good at and hope for the best.
Today in a world where less and less communication is done face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, we must rely on only our words in emails or texts to convey our meaning and they are often at best – misunderstood, or at worst – insulting and hurtful.
Some of the telltale signs of overusing humor are when you find yourself explaining what you meant by your remarks, or saying “I was only kidding” or “I didn’t mean it like that” or feeling the need to write “lol” or “jk” at the end of a message. You need only to glance at a Facebook page to see more than ample evidence of this.
So why do we do it?? Well, that answer can be complicated depending on what the rest of your skills and weaknesses look like, but the simplest explanation is likely that you have a lack of self-knowledge or self-awareness; the inability to be aware of how what we do affects other people, to seek out feedback and then to learn from that feedback and to adjust our own behavior accordingly for the future. Need evidence?? So let’s say you are communicating with someone who has just attempted to use humor in a situation and it has backfired. Your feelings are hurt and you say something to that effect. Most people who are self-aware would be horrified that they had hurt your feelings and offer you an instant and sincere apology and they would adjust their behavior going forward. But the person who is not self-aware would likely get defensive and may in fact even turn it around on you and blame it all on you by saying something like “ you’re just too sensitive” or “you’re such a baby”, or “you just don’t appreciate my sense of humor”. They would refuse to own their own behavior as inappropriate, hurtful or insulting. And the message that you receive is that the other person cares more about being “right” or not having to apologize, than they care about your feelings. And if it persists, the effect can be very damaging. And just in case you don’t recognize this behavior for what it is – this is a form of bullying. Yes, I said bullying. And if you have been on the receiving end of this behavior, you know exactly what I mean.
So, the next time you’re going to say or write something laced with your own personal brand of humor, wait before you hit the send button and ask yourself if this could possibly be misunderstood or hurtful – and if the answer is yes, change it or don’t send it at all. Good relationships are hard to find or build but they can be destroyed in an instant by careless remarks.
